The Old Git and I are blessed to have the most zen-like, tranquil, cordial, non-confrontational relationship ever. That’s a lie. OBVIOUSLY. We’ve been married for nearly thirteen years, and anyone who smugly tells you they never fight is lying or delusional. Marital fights are the norm. They are an integral part of the marriage experience. In fact, some might say they enhance marriage by providing a healthy outlet for emotional expression! Obviously it depends on how your fight. Effing and blinding uncontrollably…not so healthy. But arguing in a constructive, albeit irritated, way does not spell the end of a relationship.
So, what are the things that couples argue over? Money, family, children, intimacy, time and chores seem to be the primary issues that experts talk about. It got me thinking about my most heated and recurring spats with the Old Git and I’ve narrowed it down to the following three:
- In the car. This a given for us. Be it on a family day out, date night, en route to a wedding or a mundane trip to the supermarket, we will always have a bust up in the car. It will be over something trivial, normally when one of us is being a back-seat driver, but it inevitably ends in a stroppy exchange and then some passive aggressive silent treatment. Standard.
- Household chores. Thirteen years on, and the Old Git still resists putting the bins out. I don’t know why, as it has consistently been part of his job description. But we still fight about it and he has a particular aversion to putting the food bin out. The best fight we ever had in public was over the bins, when we were newlyweds, standing in the driveway in front of the neighbours. It was magical. Bin rage is real.
- Disciplining the children. In every family there’s the good cop/bad cop dynamic. In our household, the Old Git is the bee’s knees who gets a standing ovation every time he walks in through the front door. The kids love him. But of course they do as he plays with them wholeheartedly and rarely tells them off. That would be part of my job description. I’m the taskmaster in their eyes, the meanie who makes them do homework, tidy their rooms, eat vegetables and go to bed on time. That inevitably means the Old Git and I clash. I anticipate this to continue until the kids turn eighteen.
Of course we argue over lots of other things but these are our most frequent bust up scenarios. Whilst (non-abusive) arguing might be fine in a marriage, I’d say persistent nagging can annihilate it. Constant nit-picking and criticism can drain the life out of a relationship and just makes the other person feel resentful, defensive and inadequate. We all nag some of the time, but let’s face it, too much nagging is a killjoy.
None of us dream of spending our days arguing with our other halves, but it’s a human reality, shows that we are imperfect and that we have to work at our relationships. In fact, it can be beneficial as it releases tension, increases understanding by the sharing of emotions and helps to develop patience. You could say it’s character building! Ultimately, any emotional expression (of the non-abusive and non-nagging kind) that helps couples build understanding and work towards a resolution, has to be positive. Remember that, next time your partner seriously ticks you off. It’s all part of the bonding process.
My wife and I seems to get into most our arguments in the car too. I hadn’t stopped to think about that before. Great post!
I think the car is a hotbed for marital fights! Thanks for reading:)
Arguing is completely healthy! As long as its not the only way you communicate differing opinions in a relationship im all for it.
You are absolutely right. Thanks for making that point:)
I need to work on fighting more productively with my husband. I tend to just close off and get silent which definitely isn’t helpful!
Oh yes, the silent treatment ..I’m familiar with that too! It’s actually much worse than airing your feelings as its a form of passive aggression and just makes everything ten times worse! We’ve been there and done that ! Good luck and thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Laundry! No it does not walk to the laundry bin by itself and rearranging the dishwasher. Why it has to be stacked to the hilt (especially since half the dishes come out untouched and in the same greasy state they went in) is beyond me. Apparently I have no spatial awareness on the subject.
Finding things in the fridge is another special moment…if it can’t be identified immediately upon opening the fridge door, then apparently it isn’t in there! He has no sense of smell so if the milk is one day past its sell by date then down the sink it goes….I then start in my usual tirade about how it didn’t come out of the cow with a best before. It never gets me anywhere so I have no idea why I do that.
Other differences include electronic boarding passes…hate them. I have visions of his phone going flat just as we are about to board the plane. Airports on the whole are pretty special…I always manage to lose my patience in those places.
We are both pretty “adventurous” drivers so the car is the only safe place for us…so if you need me I will be in there!
Ooooh I love these! Lol! And I totally relate to the laundry and dishwasher being a cause for marital dispute. But atleast your other half bothers to rearrange/stack the dishwasher..my beloved seems to think dumping everything in the sink is OK and that they will magically make their way into the dishwasher…Grrrr.
Most of the time it is a fight on silly things ..
Interesting post
You are absolutely right. But often the little things can provoke the biggest arguments!
Relationships are hard work!
Yes they are!Thanks for stopping by:)
Loved this and felt good that I am no different. We too fight a lot and mostly on silly things and the things you mentioned above.
Thanks Renu. Glad you enjoyed and could relate!
I really enjoyed this article. Yes, the car is one for us too! Or out in public in general 😆 and bin rage?thanks for the laugh this morning
You are very welcome! Glad you enjoyed it:)
I totally agree no marriage is perfect without fights but depends on how couples fight. I think men are so not wired to remember house chores. Its a never ending battle in most homes. 36 years on and we still land up arguing over the most silliest things.
Great post! I would say that if you never argue, there is something wrong with the relationship. Or you have married your clone 😉
What always makes me laugh (after the fact of course) is our arguments about the way we load the dishwasher. We don’t see eye to eye on that. LOL
I definitely think a good argument once in a while is good for marriage, lowers everyone’s stress levels! Now off to tell my husband how much he’s annoyed me today by leaving his dirty gym stuff all over my study!
Bin rage is real. 13 years of it as well! One day, one day there will be bin comeuppance.