Picture the scene. Somebody’s little angel has slapped your child around the face or punched him unapologetically. Or perhaps they’ve been rude or have blurted out profanities. Perhaps they’ve ignored your polite requests to stop trashing the house or even worse, placed themselves or others in danger. What do you do? How do you deal with another person’s naughty child and is it ever acceptable to discipline them?
This is undoubtedly a parenting minefield with many conflicting and impassioned views. Let’s face it, nobody likes the idea of somebody else stepping in to discipline their child. It feels like a personal attack on you, your parenting and precious offspring. It unleashes the raging lioness within. There are some who say it’s never appropriate to discipline another person’s child, but can such a blanket statement really be made?
The verb ‘to discipline’ means to train someone to obey rules or a code of behaviour. Most people I’ve spoken to are comfortable with disciplining somebody else’s child, if the parent is not around, particularly if they are in their care or home. Of course that wouldn’t entail yelling at them full pelt (as you would with your own cherished child) but it might include some firm words or a caution. After all, if you are the only adult in the scenario, somebody has to make it clear where the boundaries lie. To me this is uncontroversial, as long as the child is spoken to in a fair and calm way.
The problem arises when the parent of the offending child is present whilst the misdemeanour takes place, but doesn’t do anything to address it. No apology, no taking the child by the scruff of the neck to suitably tick him off. Nothing. What do you do then? Some would say you should not intervene and just remove your child from the situation. That is definitely an option. But I have to say, if there’s one thing that enrages me, it’s the bystander parent who just watches on as their child wreaks havoc. In those circumstances, if the parent has been given ample opportunity to address the situation, but has chosen not to, we have a problem. Whilst I appreciate it’s not ideal for me to tell your child to back off, nor is it ideal for my child to be at the receiving end of a slap, punch or insult. I have to think about what my child is learning and the messaging that they receive if another child is permitted to behave in that way towards them and nobody intervenes. In those circumstances I would tell the child, very calmly, that what they had said or done is not very kind and that we should all try to be nice to each other. That’s it. Personally, I don’t think that such an intervention is too confronting but I appreciate that some parents might not like it.
Similarly, you may be in a scenario where the misbehaving child’s parent is present but hasn’t witnessed the behaviour. My own view is, if you think it necessary, it’s acceptable to approach the other parent and relay what has happened in a non-judgemental and non-accusatory way. The key is all in the delivery. It’s then up to them what they do about it. I wouldn’t, however, then engage in a verbal spat about the importance of good behaviour or discipline, if they choose to do nothing. That would be the point at which I walk away, knowing that I’ve at least called out the bad behaviour.
I don’t think it’s anyone’s job to punish another person’s child if they misbehave –that is down to the parent. However I do think it’s acceptable to intervene and correct another child’s behaviour, if your own child is impacted and the need arises. But I would caution that this be done with kindness as none of us know the struggles that other families face. Obviously with my own kids it’s a totally different story. I can be as shouty as I like, bulge at the eyes and stomp around furiously, whilst lecturing them about bad behaviour and issuing menacing threats about confiscating the iPad. Indeed, threats form the bedrock of successful parenting. The more menacing the better, I say. But only with your own kids. Obviously.
10 thoughts on “How do you Deal with Another Person’s Naughty Child?”
Very useful post, it really is a challenge to deal with the naughty children of others. I will try your tips next time when I am in a similar situation.
It’s definitely not easy! Good luck!
When my kids were growing up, the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ was true. Didn’t live in a village but aunts, uncles, friends, relatives would reprimand my children if they were naughty to the point of causing havoc or hurting someone else. I didn’t feel bad or questioned my abilities as a parent. Thinks were just like that back then. However, now its a different scenario all together. However, there is a limit to the patience one can have. Cannot let a kid kick your seat for over 2 hours on a flight!
I love that saying “It takes a village to raise a child” but as you say,things are different now. We have a less communal way of living and are very focused on our nuclear families. Rightly or wrongly. Hence why it’s such a tricky scenario now. Thanks for commenting!
I don’t have kids but I have friends who do. When my friends come over with their kids or if I visit them, I never have any problem disciplining them. I would never punish them – that is not my business. However, if they are doing something destructive or dangerous especially if it is in my home, I don’t give it a second thought to tell them not to do it if their parents aren’t paying attention. However, my friends are very close long standing friends and we were brought up very similar so I know if they were in the room they would have addressed the issue.
Perhaps with close friends it is easier as you have a shared outlook and approach. It’s much harder with more distant friends /associates.. That’s where the trouble starts! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
I feel this but on a different level because I’m a stepmom and it can definitely be tricky. Thanks for sharing!
Interested POV. These are tricky situations and I’ve lost friends and family over their kid’s behavior and our differences in handling it.
I can believe it, Sue! Its is such a thorny subject with hugely conflicting views. Thanks for sharing.
Oh yes, I can imagine this can be a very tricky and sensitive situation… Best of luck with navigating your way through!
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